


Enough

by Rose_the_Hat



Series: AceJen [1]
Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Cuddling & Snuggling, M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 16:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1477075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_the_Hat/pseuds/Rose_the_Hat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jensen is Asexual and Jared is not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for my own prompt over on the spnkink_meme

It was a quiet Tuesday afternoon in Cover to Cover Books, a few of Jensen’s regulars were slumped in armchairs of their choice with a book. Jensen had Excel open going over his inventory and profits for the month when the tranquility of the shop was broken by the soft musical chimes above the door. Jensen turned to greet his new customer. He was a tall man, broad shouldered with long brown hair. He was looking around Jensen’s little shop with cautious interest. 

“Can I help you find something?” Jensen asked.

The customer smiled revealing straight white teeth and a flash of deep dimples. “Yeah. My friend won’t stop going on about some book series I should read. Something about…a game? Or thrones, maybe? You know that one?”

Jensen struggled to keep his incredulity to himself. This guy had to have been living under a rock if he didn’t know about _The Song of Ice and Fire_ series. “Yeah. _Game of Thrones_ is the first book in the series. You’ll find it and the others in the Fantasy section, under M.” Jensen indicated the section a few feet away.

“Awesome, thanks. You got old-timey detective stories? _Gangbusters_ , or _Black Mask_? Stuff like that? That’s more my speed.” 

Jensen’s brow creased. “You could try the Mystery section, if you can’t find what you’re looking for I can always order something for you.”

“Cool, thanks.” The man flashed his friendly grin before he wandered off to the Fantasy section. Jensen went back to his spreadsheets. It did his heart good to know this day of modern technology and e-books that people still liked to hold a print book in their hands. A few of Jensen’s customers would open books and give the pages a healthy sniff. There was nothing quite like the fragrance of ink, binding and paper.

A customer came up with a couple of bodice rippers and after that a middle aged woman paid for a couple of self-help books. Jensen had lost sight of the tall man. Jensen hoped he would find something in the mystery section that would keep him coming back. He seemed nice and the fact that he was easy on the eyes didn’t hurt. 

“I don’t think I’mma like these.” The tall man was back, setting the paperback box set of the first five novels in the _A Song of Ice and Fire_ series down on the counter, eyeing them with comical skepticism.

Jensen scanned the set, grinning. “Well, give it a chance. It’s full of intrigue and betrayal.” 

“Those are always good.”

“Murder, too.”

“Murder is good.” The man’s angular face shifted from wary to intrigued.

“$26.47, total. Did you find anything you might like in the mystery section?” 

The man fished his wallet out of his back pocket. “A few things, but buying this is gonna leave me strapped for the month and I promised Felicia I’d finally give this a try. Otherwise I’ll never have a moments peace.” 

“Could go to a library,” Jensen suggested not knowing why, it would take a new potential customer away from him. 

The man lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “Suppose I end up liking the books, then I’ll already have my own set. If I don’t I can always sell them on E-bay or a second hand store. Do you sell used books here? Like consignment or something?”

“Not as yet.”

The man handed paid for his books and took his bag. With a final smile and wave he was gone. Jensen hoped he would be back.

*

“But… _rabbits_! And not just rabbits but _talking_ rabbits!” The teenager-Colin pouted as Jensen rang up a copy of _Watership Down_.

Jensen grinned and shook his head. Colin Ford had been coming into the shop since Jensen took over. He remembered him as a small boy with a lightening-shaped scar drawn on his forehead in a makeshift Hogwarts robe for the midnight release parties Jensen used to hold for the Harry Potter series. Colin was now more interested in Harry Dresden than Harry Potter but occasionally the boy would buy a new paperback copy of a Potter book, Jensen assumed he had read them to pieces. It did his heart good. “Just give it a chance, kid.”

Colin huffed, slapped down a twenty on the counter. “Fine.”

“There’s a good boy.” Jensen made change and slipped the receipt in the bag.

“I am not a boy anymore, Mr. Ackles. Did I tell you that I’m going to Stanford in the fall?”

“Well, if it’s true you are no longer a boy, then you should call me ‘Jensen’ and no teenage pouting about having to read an assigned book for your Lit class. You’ll have to read so much more for your college classes, particularly a prestigious school like Stanford.”

Colin stuffed the bills in his pocket and took the bag with his book in it, shoulders straightening. “You’re right, Mist—Jensen.”

The chimes above the door made the gentle music as a new customer entered. Jensen glanced over and smiled when he saw the tall man was back. The man gave Jensen a smile and made his way to the Mystery section.

“And, Colin, I’m very proud of you for getting accepted to Stanford.”

The boy’s face flushed a dull pink in embarrassment and he gave a shy smile. “Thanks. I just hope I don’t flunk out first term.”

“Keep reading and you won’t. Have a good day, Colin.” 

Colin gave a little wave and left the shop. Jensen gave the shop a sweeping glance, making sure no customers seemed to need anything before ducking down to slice open a few boxes of books he had to inventory and shelve. 

“So, that Joffrey guy dies, right?”

Jensen looked up to see the tall man—Jensen really needed to get his name—standing at the counter with a blue plastic basket with books inside.

Jensen pushed to his feet. “Why should I spoil you? Enjoying the series, I take it?”

The man shrugged. “It’s a bit slow at times but overall keeping my interest.” He set his shopping basket on the counter. 

Jensen began extracting the half dozen or so books his customer was going to purchase, all of them hard-boiled detective stories. “As opposed to gun molls and crooked cops?” He tapped the lurid cover of an anthology of pulp stories.

“I like what I like.” He paused and Jensen rang up a couple purchases. “I like you.”

Jensen swallowed and glanced up. “Oh, yeah?”

The man leaned forward. “Yeah. Think you might want to have dinner with me sometime? Tonight maybe?”

Jensen wasn’t sure how to respond. He hadn’t tried dating or relationships in years, since he came to terms with his asexuality and realized a long term relationship wasn’t in the cards for him. It wasn’t that Jensen didn’t want a boyfriend or girlfriend—he did very much want to spend his life with someone share his ups and downs with, but there were certain expectations in a relationship, like sex. “I don’t know about that.” 

“Lemme guess, guy as gorgeous as you has a boyfriend?”

“No.” Jensen kept his head down and rang up another book. He didn’t want to look into in the man’s eyes. Eyes were Jensen’s weakness and this man had such an exotic beauty about him and his multi-hued eyes were exceptional. There was a humor and kindness radiating from him that could easily draw Jensen in. Sex was complicated for Jensen. He didn’t experience that rush of attraction, desire or lust. Instead a slow steady build of trust led to desire, even then Jensen would be content to kiss or snuggle. He had a couple of boyfriends who tried to push him father than he wanted to go and women were no different, complaining that he didn’t find them attractive or asking was wrong with him. For awhile Jensen himself wondered that, but he had found an Ace support group and realized he wasn’t alone and that made everything a little more bearable. He even had an Ace girlfriend for a brief period of time but their lives pulled them in different directions. 

“No? So you just wanna break my heart then? Cruel.”

Jensen looked up to see the man giving him a little smirk. 

“It’s not my intention to be cruel.”

The man’s smirk became a Cheshire grin. “See then? You have to buy me a beer to make up for it.”

“I don’t even know your name.” Jensen stalled for time, but knew that this man wouldn’t be deterred. 

“Jared Padalecki, at your service.” He did a little bow.

“You’re a little tall for a dwarf,” Jensen said with a nervous laugh unsure if Jared would get the reference.

He gave one of those dimpled smiles and shook his head. He got it. “Felicia made me read _The Hobbit_ when we were kids…and drags me to the movies.”

“Is she the one making you read _A Song of ice and Fire_ , by any chance?”

Jared threw his head back and laughed. “Yeah. She’s a fantasy geek.”

“And does she know you hit on unsuspecting shopkeepers?”

“Doubt she’d care. She and her girlfriend are very happy together. So, what’day say? Dinner?”

Jensen thought, licked his lips. He didn’t have to tell Jared he was Ace right now. This thing with Jared may not go anywhere. They could have a terrible time and never see each other again. A little voice however, whispered to him that things could get serious, granted it wasn’t something Jensen thought would happen. Jared seemed like a nice and well-read guy and Jensen could always use another friend, what with his singer/songwriter friend Jason heading out on the road for months at a time, even though he knew friendship wasn’t what Jared had in mind. He would deal with that when the time came.

“Dinner. Nothing fancy though and I’ll meet you there.”

Jared nodded. “Okay. I know a nice Italian place: Sal’s on the corner of South. Decent prices and portions. Say about, eight thirty?”

“Sounds good and that’s $37.69 for your books.”

Jared paid and with another of his grins was out the door, leaving Jensen nervous about their upcoming date.

The closer it got to closing up the store and eight o’clock the more nervous Jensen became. Had he done the right thing in accepting Jared’s dinner invitation? It seemed like it at the time, now he wasn’t so sure. He should call this off, not show up at the restaurant. He didn’t think that would work. Jared didn’t strike Jensen as someone who gave up easily, and didn’t that just make him more appealing? Jared would just come by the shop and want answers. Jensen was not immune to a good-looking person. Sexual desire was just not part of the equation for Jensen. Charm and personality were what caught his attention and just in their two short conversations Jared showed he had both in spades. Jensen wanted romance and a relationship but wasn’t sure he could have it without sex. Stomach and mind churning he closed up the store and walked the couple or so blocks to Sal’s.

Jared was waiting for Jensen outside the restaurant. Jensen could see his smile already and felt one of his own parting his lips. His stomach did a happy little swoop at the welcoming smile. He tried to reign himself in, telling himself that this was just a friendly dinner and not the beginning of a relationship and if it turned into a relationship it would end badly.

“Hey, Jensen.”

“Hey.” There was an awkward silence in which Jensen looked up at the restaurant’s sign. Simple in red green and white with Sal’s Authentic Italian Cuisine written in swooping cursive. “Never been here before.”

“I come here for lunch sometimes. It’s good. They have brick oven pizza.” Jared opened the door and stood aside so Jensen could enter first. 

“Two?” The pretty young hostess inquired

“Yeah,” Jensen said with a nod. 

She grabbed a couple of menus and showed them to a booth in a corner beside a window, with a nice view of downtown lighting up as twilight deepened toward dark. Sal’s was a small restaurant with what looked like only a couple of dozen tables and booths, a friendly atmosphere and a touch of intimacy because of the size. There was the hearty rich scent of tomatoes and garlic and warm smell of bread. The clatter and chatter coming from the kitchen as it buzzed with activity. The dining room was half full of groups and couples chatting and eating. 

“Can I start you with something to drink?” The hostess asked as Jared and Jensen each took a seat in the booth.

“Bottle of house red will be fine,” Jared answered for both of them with a grin. 

“Sure thing. I’ll get that for ya and be back to take your orders.”

Jensen’s heart slipped into an irregular rhythm as he opened the menu. He looked over the dishes on offer, not sure he would be able to keep anything down for long with his stomach once more twisting itself into nervous knots. He could feel Jared’s gaze on him and he searched for something to do or say, he was saved temporarily by the return of the server setting down a bottle of wine and two glasses.

“All right, gentlemen, what can I get for you?”

They ordered their meals and Jensen once more felt the pressure to make introductory conversation.

“So, Jared…what do you do when not reading books your friend forced you to?”

“I work at the animal clinic. I’m a vet tech and every other weekend I volunteer at the animal shelter.”

“That’s great. I had a dog years ago but had to have her down, combination of old age and cancer.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. But if she was suffering, you made the right decision.”

Jensen found himself back in that little room at the emergency vet’s office, so bright and white, the dog that had been his companion all through his youth lying on the table wrapped in her blanket, looking up at Jensen as the tech injected the drug that would take her from him. It felt like some vital part of Jensen was dying with her, his childhood or innocence maybe. He blinked hard, feeling tears sting his eyes. He felt foolish mourning a dog that had passed more than a decade ago, but if anyone understood it would be Jared. “It was the right decision. One of the hardest I’ve ever had to make.” 

“What about you, Jensen? How long have you worked the bookstore? Or do you own it?”

“I own it. I worked there as a teenager when it was called The Book Nook. I bought it after high school when the original left and changed the name to Cover to Cover. My folks hated the idea. I used my college fund for it…oooh, boy, they were _not_ happy about that. Nothing much they could do though.”

“You had to make the best decision for you. You seem to be doing well.”

“I am. It’s been lean at times but I found rotating stock helps draw in new customers and keep old ones interested. I stock accessories for people’s e-readers to draw them in and…seems to work.”

The server returned with their food, lasagna for Jared and alfredo for Jensen. “Enjoy.”

The two men slipped into comfortable silence as they began to eat. “How did you get into detective stories? I mean, you read stuff from the 1920’s and 30’s. Kinda specific genre.”

Jared smiled and wiped his mouth on a napkin. “My mom was a nurse, dad fucked off before I was born so I spent a lot of time with my Gram and Pops as a kid. They used to listen to old timey stuff. I just liked the rhythm of speech and the wording. Then when I was about twelve or so I found a box of old dime mags with detective stories in them. I never stopped reading them.” Jensen watched the play of emotions across Jared’s expressive face as he talked, warmth and love and a vague sadness. “In more ways they were my parents. My mom loved me but she didn’t know how to be a mom. She did her best and I can’t fault her for it. Instead of neglecting me she left me with her folks and I was cared for. I wasn’t spoiled but I had things I needed or wanted for the most part, can’t say I was deprived. My mom worked hard to make that happen.”

Jensen felt himself fall a little as he heard Jared speak of his family. A man who loved his momma was a good man in Jensen’s book. 

“What about your family? You close or they still waiting for your shop to fail.” Jared dug back into his lasagna but gave his attention to Jensen, waiting for him to talk.

Jensen shrugged, winding fettuccine around his fork. “We’re not close anymore. I feel like a black sheep most of the time. A disappointment. I was supposed to go into some great prestigious line of work like my big brother. He’s a surgeon.”

“I’m sorry. That can’t be easy on you. They still live here in town?”

“Yeah, so my mother can’t lie to her snooty friends and act like I’m a big business entrepreneur conquering the world. Donna Ackles, all about appearances.”

“And your dad?” Jared looked a little wary about asking. 

“Overly critical. It’s like….I can never been good enough for anyone.” His whole life from his parents to romantic partners no one ever seemed happy with him, wanting more than he was capable or willing to give. Jesus Christ. If he kept up this line of conversation he was gonna start crying and he didn’t want to ruin what could be a good evening with even better company. Jensen wasn’t the type of guy to spill secrets to someone he had known for a handful of hours. He jumped when he felt Jared’s warm hand cover his, thumb moving back and forth over the knuckles. It wasn’t that Jensen was opposed to touch, but it was something he had to work up to to feel comfortable with. Jared seemed pick up on Jensen’s unease and removed his hand, but held his gaze. 

“Their loss.”

Jensen was headed for dangerous territory. 

*

Saturday mid-afternoon and the shop was fairly busy. There was a queue of people he was checking out, low chatter of other patrons and the occasional happy cheer of a child when they found something of interest. The musical chimes sounded and he turned to see Jared come in with a woman with bright red hair in a pixie-cut. He gave a smile and turned back to his line of customers. When there was a lull Jared and his companion, who had a couple of books approached the counter.

“This him?” Pixie-cut asked giving Jensen an appraising look.

“That’s Jensen.” Jared’s smile was bright and eyes warm and soft as he gazed at Jensen. 

Jensen’s heart did a little flip. He and Jared had been dating—although Jensen wasn’t sure if “dating” was the right word, they had dinner a couple of nights a week and Jared came into the store every other day—for a little over a month and Jensen knew he needed to have a talk with Jared. They were easily headed toward serious relationship status. Jared made Jensen laugh and feel good. He looked forward to Jared’s visits and missed him when he didn’t see him. He knew he needed to talk to Jared, tell him he was Ace but at the same time he was scared to because it could mean losing Jared. Two weeks and he was already in love. How did he let this happen?

“Jense, this is my best friend, Felicia Day.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“You, too. Jared wasn’t lying when he said you were gorgeous and he won’t stop talking about you.”

Jensen ducked his head, always uncomfortable with praise for his looks, but his chest swelled at the thought of Jared talking about him so effusively to his friend. 

“’Licia!” Jared said, cringing.

“Did I lie? No. You’re always: ‘Jensen this’ and ‘Jensen that’. It’s sickening.” 

“Are you done embarrassing me now? Not to mention _Jensen_. I’m sorry, I should have known better than to bring her here.”

“It’s fine,” Jensen assured.

“Hear that? I’m fine. Besides, I’m allowed to inspect any potential boyfriend material. If you’d listened to me about Tom you’d have been saved a lot of grief.”

Jensen looked at him and saw he was blushing furiously, and shifting from foot to foot. He was obviously flustered and it was weird and adorable to see. Jared was so cool and smooth when they were together. He wondered what the story was about the Tom guy Felicia had mentioned. Her pretty face had darkened when she mentioned him. “Well, stop giving him the third degree. He doesn’t deserve it.”

“Honey, I haven’t even _begun_ to give him the “third degree” and you know it.”

Jensen snickered, enjoying their banter. He pulled Felicia’s purchases toward him and began to ring her up.

“He’s still reading _A Song of Ice and Fire_ , by the way. Comes in every now and then to talk to me about it.” Jensen said.

“Told you you’d like it if you gave it half a chance, ya goon.” She smacked Jared’s arm. “What book are you on now anyway?”

“He’s on _A Storm of Swords_ now.” Jensen answered for him, catching Felicia’s eye and knew they were both thinking of the same thing: the Red Wedding.

“What’s that look about?” Jared asked. 

Jensen schooled his features into one of innocent passivity. “What do you mean?”

“That look you gave ‘Licia? What’d you two know that I don’t? Lemme guess, something big is gonna happen, right? I know! I bet Joffrey is finally gonna bite it! Who does it? Sansa? No, she seems to mousey. I know! Robb! He’s gonna lays siege to Kings Landing right? Bet that’s what happens!” Jared raised a fist in the air. “The King in the North!”

It was one of the things Jensen appreciated about Jared, his boundless enthusiasm. It was going to be interesting to see how he would react when he got to the infamous wedding scene in the book.

Jensen and Felicia exchanged another pointed look. She lifted a shoulder in a shrug.

“$13.98,” he said having totaled up her books.

She dug her wallet out of her purse. “You have a nice shop here. Too bad I’m not in town often enough to enjoy it.”

“Thanks. Where do you live?”

“Cambridge.”

“’Licia goes to MIT.” 

“Damn impressive.” Jensen said handing her her change and slipping the receipt in the bag.

“She’s a total hacker, don’t let the innocent face fool you,” Jared said with a grin, pride in his friend obvious.

“Age of the geek, baby.”

“Dinner tonight at the usual?” Jared asked as he and Felicia were leaving.

“Definitely.”

 

A few days later near closing time the door to the shop burst open and Jared was there, book clutched in his hand, a stricken look on his face. “You….” He heaved, fixing Jensen with an accusatory stare. 

Jensen’s mouth went dry and his heart pounded against his ribs. What had Jared so upset and why did he think Jensen had anything to do with it? 

“They’re all dead!” He waved _A Storm of Swords_ in front of Jensen’s face. He opened the book and began to read. “’Jaime Lannister sends his regards.” He thrust his longsword through her son’s heart, and twisted.’” 

Jensen burst out laughing. Jared had got to the Red Wedding. 

“Fuck Jaime Lannister! Fuck Walder Frey! And fuck George R.R. Martin!”

*

“I think you’re taking advantage of me and our friendship,” Jared grumbled toting in another box of new inventory for the shop.

Jensen was back in the Thriller/Suspense section, notebook in hand, spare pen behind his ear counting copies of James Patterson books. He made note of how many copies of the latest Alex Cross novel and looked up to see Jared, arms crossed over his chest adorable pout turning down the corners of his mouth and wrinkling his forehead. Jensen shook his head and grinned. “Not at all. I’m taking advantage of your _muscles_. There’s a difference.”

Jared sauntered up to Jensen, not for the first time Jensen saw the heat and desire burning in his friend’s—boyfriend’s? they hadn’t had that talk yet—eyes. It made him feel good in a purely egotistical way, but he knew sooner or later they were going to have to have a talk about where they were going with this relationship. Jensen dreaded it. After a couple of months Jensen was more comfortable with Jared, didn’t mind it when Jared took his hand, touched, or hugged him and Jared gave great hugs, but he knew the time was gonna come when hugs and hand holding weren’t going to be enough for Jared. They hadn’t even kissed yet and to Jensen’s surprise Jared didn’t push for anything. It made Jensen wonder, if Jared was that much of a gentleman or had he been burned that bad in the past. He remembered Felicia mentioning guy named Tom. He wanted to ask but at the same time didn’t want to hurt Jared by bring up painful memories. 

“Spend a little more time in the gym and you can move these boxes yourself, slim.” 

“We can’t all put on muscle like you, Drogo.” 

“That’s _Khal_ Drogo, peasant!” Jared flexed his biceps and posed in exaggerated bodybuilder type poses making Jensen burst out laughing. This was what he loved most about being with Jared, Jared wasn’t afraid to act the clown and make Jensen laugh. He was easy to talk to and _listened_ rather than waiting for his turn to talk.

When Jensen’s laughter tapered off he said, “yeah, okay, _Khal_ , just go get the next box.”

“Slave driver!” 

An hour and a half later all the boxes were empty and the new stock put on the shelves. They had worked in comfortable companionable silence, only every now and then Jared asking Jensen what he thought of a particular book. 

“Thanks for helping, Jare. Seemed to go a lot faster with you here.”

“No problem, but I would like to be paid for all my hard work.” Jared took a few steps closer to Jensen and Jensen became cognizant of how _big_ Jared was, tall and broad, could easily manhandle him, force Jensen to do anything he wanted, things Jensen would never want. He flashed back to his first boyfriend, a man named Michael Weatherly a nice guy it had seemed at the time, but when Jensen kept dodging any intimate contact he got a little rough, pushing Jensen down, forcing his tongue in Jensen’s mouth, hands all over Jensen’s body, until Jensen kneed him in the balls. Michael had howled and called Jensen a prude and a cocktease and that had been the end of them. Michael had been smaller than Jensen, fighting him off had been easy, but Jared…. 

“Um…pizza?” Jensen’s voice sounded small and distant. Jared was gazing down at him.

“Mm-mm,” Jared hummed slowly shaking his head. A big hand came up and cupped the side of Jensen’s face, tilting him to the side. Jensen could stop him, _should_ stop him. It would only lead to Jared wanting—expecting—more physical contact, but he didn’t. Jared brushed his lips across Jensen’s and he closed his eyes and let Jared kiss him, not too heated but not too chaste either, there was desire and intent behind it. A couple of heartbeats later Jared pulled back, a shy little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, dimples making a brief appearance. His eyes, damn his eyes, were radiating warmth and love and Jensen knew, _knew_ , if he told Jared he was Ace he would lose him. 

“ _Now_ , I’ll take pizza.”

Jensen swallowed, dry throat clicking. “O-o-okay.”

*  
Jensen had to be out of his mind. Had to be, there was no other reason he was inviting Jared back to his apartment. Jared would just get the wrong idea, although since their first kiss a few days prior Jared hadn’t pushed for more. Maybe he had sensed Jensen’s unease and decided to back off. They had just finished their usual dinner at Sal’s and Jensen told Jared he had something for him. It was a book, but Jensen could easily wait and give it to him the next time he came into the shop. Jared’s arm was around Jensen’s shoulders and he was pressed close to Jared’s side. It was comfortable and safe.

Heart in his throat he unlocked the door to his small modest apartment showing Jensen inside. Jared smiled and stepped in. Jensen felt a little touch of nerves that had nothing to do with what Jared may or may not expect to happen. Instead he wanted Jared’s approval of his humble home. He didn’t have much in the way of fancy stuff but everything he did have he worked hard to earn and keep. Jared seemed a man who could appreciate that. Jared looked around eyes lingering on Jensen’s two bookcases stuffed full of books before they moved to the poster prints of _Starry Night_ and _Persistence of Memory_.

“Nice place.”

Jensen felt some of the tension that had crept up his shoulders lessen. He smiled. “Thanks. It’s not much but its home.” He bypassed Jared to pick up a thick paperback from the coffee table. “I wanted to give you this.” He handed the book to Jared.

Jared took it with a happy grin. “ _Specialty of the House_ ,” he read.

“Yeah, it’s a collection of short stories by Stanley Ellin. A few of them were even turned into episodes of _Alfred Hitchcock Presents_.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous tick of his, as he waited to see what Jared thought of the gift. “You like old suspense, so, I thought you’d like it. When you get done with _A Song of Ice and Fire_.”

Jared looked up from the book, gaze soft and full of emotion “Thanks, Jense. I do. It’s great. I even recognize a couple of titles from Alfred Hitchcock.” He embraced Jensen. It took Jensen a moment before he was returning the hug, eyes sliding closed. He felt tears sting the back of his eyes and he tightened his arms around Jared, wanting to keep him close, never lose him. All too soon, Jared was pulling away, hands resting low on Jensen’s hips. “You know, I appreciate the way you’ve been okay with us taking things slow. It’s what I needed after….” Jared’s face clouded. “After Tom.”

“Who was Tom?”

Jared moved away to sit on Jensen’s sofa. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before looking up at Jensen, expression a little…guilty? 

Jensen’s brow knitted in a frown. He gestured in askance to the spot beside Jared. His own couch or not he didn’t want to infringe on Jared’s space. Jared nodded and Jensen sat beside him.

“Tom was a mistake. A bad one. Worse mistake of my life.” 

“I gathered, but…. I mean, if you don’t wanna talk about it or something. I don’t wanna pry. Not really my business.”

Jared was quiet for a few moments, face uncharacteristically stony. “He was an ex. A liar and a cheat. He was married the entire year we were together.”

Jensen was stunned. He searched for something comforting to say. “Shit, man, I’m sorry.”

“I mean, I had no idea. Felicia tried to warn me. Told me over and over something about him wasn’t kosher, but…I didn’t listen. I felt like shit once I found out. Ended it with him right away. I’m not that kind of guy, Jensen, I _swear to God_.”

“I believe you.” He reached over and brushed Jared’s hair away from his face as he seemed to be hiding behind it.

Jared’s posture relaxed and a relieved smile parted his lips. “I’m glad. I’m not a cheater, Jensen.”

“I know.”

They stared at each other for a few moments before Jared was leaning in and kissing him softly on the mouth.

* 

If there was any doubt about Jensen and Jared being a couple there wasn’t any more. Jensen invited Jared over more, made them dinner instead of eating at Sal’s. Sometimes, like tonight, they had movie nights. Jensen had tried to get Jared to watch _Game of Thrones_ , but he refused, wanting to wait until he had finished the books, which Jensen could respect. The television flickered, Matthew McConaughey’s low southern drawl resonating from the speakers as Jared and Jensen exchanged lazy kisses, a light press of lips, occasional brush of tongue from Jared. For Jensen it was perfect, but he knew Jared wanted more.

“Your lips are so soft,” Jared murmured, breath hot against Jensen’s cheek. “Perfect for kissing.” He pecked Jensen’s lips. “Smell so good, too.” He leaned in to nuzzle the crook of Jensen’s neck. Jensen felt the hard ridge of Jared’s cock against his hip. His stomach clenched. He couldn’t put off telling Jared the truth of his sexual identity anymore. 

“Jare. Jared, stop.”

Jared pulled back from his enthusiastic nuzzling, a gentle blush to his face, a combination of arousal and beard burn from Jensen’s day old scruff. “Hmm?” 

“We need to talk. There’s…something I need to tell you. Something important.”

“Okay,” he said but his tone was wary and he moved away, putting at least a foot between them. Jensen understood why after hearing about Tom. 

“I’ve enjoyed every minute we’ve spent together. You make me incredibly happy, but there’s something you don’t know about me.” He stopped, took a deep breath, and forced himself to think positive despite his bad experiences. “I’m asexual or Gray-A, to be specific.”

Jared’s face was blank before his face scrunched up in confusion and he shook his head. “What’s that mean?”

“It means I don’t like sex and rarely experience sexual attraction and—”

“How can you not like sex?” Jared looked like he wanted to laugh but his confusion was keeping it at bay.

“I just don’t. Never have.”

“So you _have_ had sex? ‘Cause, I mean, how can you not like it if you haven’t had it?”

“Yes, I’ve had sex.” Jensen’s lips curled a little in distaste and he struggled to keep his tone and expression even.

Jared was silent. The room seemed smaller and oppressive somehow. His broad forehead creased and he gnawed on his bottom lip. When he looked up at Jensen it was hurt he saw in Jared’s gaze and Jensen would do anything to remove that expression. “Is…is it me? Is something wrong with me? I don’t turn you on?”

“No, Jared, that’s not it at all.” He was quick to reassure, but he had been down this road with other partners knew where it led and he was desperate for it not to go that way. “I think you’re gorgeous and—“

“If you think I’m hot then what is the problem? You probably don’t you don't know what you're talking about, you just haven't been with anyone good.” Jared moved closer, eyes dark with intent. Jensen leaned back and turned his head away. “Let me take care of you, Jense. I’ll fuck you slow and deep, make you come so hard you pass out, or you can fuck me if you want. I’m easy either way.”

“Jared, no. I don’t feel that way.”

Jared shot to his feet, hurt and confusion giving way to anger. “Has all this all been a game for you? Stringing me along, calling yourself my boyfriend, making me fall in love with you only to tell me you don’t like me “that way”? Well, fuck you, Jensen!” Jared turned and headed for the door. 

_Making me fall in love with you_. The words bounced around Jensen’s skull, giving him a kernel of hope. Jared was in love with him? Maybe their relationship could be salvaged. Jensen forced himself to his feet, legs feeling like they wouldn’t support him and reached Jared before he had a chance to get the door open. “Jare, please, let me try to explain things better. You’ve never been a game to me.” He reached out and Jared jerked away from his touch as though scalded. “I lov—”

“No! You’re just a fucking tease! Maybe it’s that you’re not even gay. Why don’t you just go find a girl and leave me the fuck alone! You’re no better than Tom.” He wrenched open the door and slammed it behind him with such force Jensen was surprised the hinges held.

On autopilot, Jensen returned to the sofa and collapsed on it. He wanted to disappear, never had he hated himself or his sexuality more than he did right now. It wasn’t the first time those things has been said to him but it was the first time they had broken his heart. He knew he was partially to blame. He should have told Jared from the get-go, spared them both this pain, but he had wanted so much to believe that his relationship, that _Jared_ , would be different. He really should know better by now. Jensen bowed his head and let the tears come. 

*

Wednesday evening and it was fairly quiet in the store. There was a small group of women having a book club meeting. Colin had come in after having done some research on Stanford’s reading list and was hunting down some titles. Jensen flashed a tight smile as he rang up _Fifty Shades Freed_ for a young woman who looked barely out of her teens. As a rule Jensen tried to restrain judgment on his customers’ choice of reading material but books like _Fifty Shades_ or the _Twilight_ series always had him testing that. Didn’t people know there was better—and free—erotica on the internet or how Bela Swan and Edward Cullen were not good romantic heroes and heroines and their relationship was semi-abusive and dysfunctional? He supposed when the teenage girls who swooned over the stories grew up they would realize how bad they were, then again he thought of the women who loved Christian Grey and wanted to weep for what passed as romance. 

“Mister Ackles, er, Jensen, are you okay?” Colin asked setting a stack of novels on the counter.

“Sure. Why’dya ask?” He took the first book and began to ring up Colin’s purchases.

“You seem…I don’t know, down, and you look at little pale.”

It had been a little over a week since his break up with Jared and he had hoped he was getting better, or at least hiding it well. The Ford kid had blown that assumption to hell. “I’m fine, Colin,” Jensen snapped.

That wasn’t true and he knew it. He thought about Jared every damn day. He missed him, his smile and laugh, his warm presence in Jensen’s life. Missed cuddling on the couch watching _True Detective_ or the occasional 40’s noir movie Jared would bring over. He missed their dinners. Jensen hadn’t realized how much he liked cooking for someone; it was more satisfying than heating up a TV dinner or a can of stew for himself. Missed how Jared made him feel whole. 

“I’m sorry,” he said at length. “I just have something going on right now is all. I shouldn’t take it out on you or anyone else.”

“Is…is it anything I can help with?”

Jensen shook his head. “No.” The word was so soft as to be barely audible.

Colin turned and wondered over to the Biography section, seemed to be looking for something before plucking a volume from the shelf and returning to the counter. “Well, I find that whatever is bothering me can’t compare to what some people have dealt with.” He tapped the book on the counter: a biography of Oskar Schindler. “I’m not trying to diminish your pain or dismiss whatever you’re going through, but sometimes it helps to keep things in perspective.”

Jensen regarded the young man before him. So much wisdom from someone so young. Maybe there was hope for the future. “You make sure you do good things with that Stanford education you’re gonna get. You hear me?”

Colin grinned. “I will, sir.”

*

“I think you’ll like it if you give it a chance,” Jensen said to the young girl looking up at him with big brown eyes. “It has adventures and dragons and a _wizard_.”

The girl’s eyes lit up. “Like Harry Potter?”

“A little bit different but still good.” Jensen looked at the girl’s mother who was smiling fondly down at her daughter. Jensen remembered selling the mother a copy of _What to Expect When you’re Expecting_.

“Okay, Mr. Jensen.” She smiled a bright gap-toothed grin. Jensen took the copy of _The Hobbit_ and scanned it before handing it back to her. She hugged the book tight.

As she and her mother left, Jensen thought he saw Jared standing outside, but he couldn’t be sure because when he looked again there was no one there.

 _Wishful thinking_. Jared was gone and it was for the best. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Jared would just feel rejected, unwanted, and dissatisfied. Those emotions would in time turn to anger and resentment and eventually tear them apart. No, it _was_ better this way, at least that’s what Jensen was going to try and make himself believe. 

*

A couple of weeks later and three or four more sightings of Jared lurking around outside the shop had Jensen’s insides twisted up. He was trying so damn hard to put their relationship in the past, to heal, and move on, but Jared’s little appearances made him start to think that there was still some hope for them. Or maybe Jared was getting some sick pleasure out of tormenting him. Jensen didn’t believe that. Jared wasn’t that kind of guy. He did wish that if Jared had something to say he would just find his balls and come in and say it, for good or bad, then leave Jensen the hell alone.

Jensen lay in bed, the clock informing him it was quarter after two, and he was no closer to falling asleep than he had been when he went to bed after eleven. He sighed and sat up, eyes drifting to his phone on the night table. He couldn’t call Jared but he needed to talk to someone. He snatched his phone up and scrolled through his contacts contemplating the late hour. His brother was out, so was his younger sister. The idea of trying to explain his relationship and break up with his parents made him feel a little nauseated. He had a few close friends, all of whom were probably deep asleep with jobs to get to in the morning. That left Jason, his best friend since junior high and the one person that accepted him, who was currently touring with his band and was most likely to be awake at this hour. Jensen hit the green button and waited as the line connected and rang.

“You got Manns,” his friend answered after a few rings. 

“Hey ya, Jase.” 

“Jackles!” Jason greeted with his customary nickname. It made Jensen smile but it was fleeting. As soon as he opened his mouth to speak, his eyes fill with moisture. “Great to hear from ya, man. How’s it goin’?” 

“I need…” Jensen’s voice cracked and his breathing hitched. 

He could hear Jason moving around restless, on the other end of the line. “Jensen? Talk to me, dude. What’s happened? Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine, I just…” he broke off struggling to get himself under control. Damn Jared for doing this to him. “I met someone.”

Jason made a soft noise of consideration. “Well, you don’t sound happy.”

“We broke up.”

“I’m sorry. That sucks, man. What can I do to help?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think there is anything anyone can do. I fucking hate this, Jason! I love him but it’s not enough. It will never be enough for anybody.”

“Aww, man, don’t think that way. You just have to find the right person.”

“I wanted Jared to be the right one,” Jensen wept feeling raw and exposed. “I thought he was.”

Jason listened to Jensen vent offering advice and encouragement. When the call was over Jensen felt hollowed out and exhausted, but at the same time there was a sense of relief after having let out all the anger and pain he had been holding on to.

As he lay back down, something Jason said rang in his head like a klaxon: “Give him time, Jackles, maybe he’ll surprise you.”

*

Jensen was bent over a box unpacking the new King book when he heard a soft tap at the door. Why was it people thought just because the light was on and Jensen was in here that the shop was open? Maybe it was some overzealous King fan come to buy a copy of the book before the official release day. That had happened when _Doctor Sleep_ had come out last fall. “Closed!” he shouted without turning around.

The tapping came again. Jensen sighed and turned around to see Jared standing outside with a little flag clutched in his fist—an Asexuality Pride flag. 

Jensen’s heart stuttered and began to pound. He felt a little dizzy. Jensen tried to swallow, throat gone dry. He didn’t want to believe, dare to hope that Jared was really here, and he seemed to be saying he accepted Jensen’s sexuality. Even if nothing romantic would be between them Jensen could settle for having Jared as a friend and ally. 

Jared waved and gave a tremulous smile. Jensen stumbled forward, nearly falling over the stack of books for the window display. Jensen flipped the lock and opened the door. 

Jared waved the little flag. “Can I come in?”

Throat too tight to speak, Jensen nodded and stepped aside. He took a deep breath and the smell of Jared’s cologne swirled around him, invaded his nostrils, and brought back vivid memories of snuggling up on the sofa watching television with the man he loved.

“The new King,” Jared pointed to the stack of _Mr. Mercedes_ with a childlike eagerness, but his voice was almost too soft to hear.

Jensen didn’t know how to respond so he didn’t. Jared seemed to shrink, pull in on himself. He dropped his head for a moment before finding Jensen’s gaze and holding it. In that moment Jensen saw his own pain and longing reflected back at him and it hit him like a punch to the gut. 

“Jensen, I…” His face seemed to collapse. His chin quivered and his eyes shimmered with a film of tears. “I’m sorry. I…I….” His mouth opened and closed several times, as he struggled for words or to get himself under control enough to continue speaking. Jensen waited, nodding in acknowledgement of the apology. 

“I was a stupid, ignorant, insensitive ass. Is there…. Can you forgive me?”

Jensen wanted to say ‘yes’ but the word got stuck in his throat.

“I get it if you can’t. I—,” he stopped, patted his pants pockets and pulled out some papers and a small battered notebook. “I did some research on Aces.” He waved the little flag again and Jensen couldn’t help but smile. “I found a message board and read some things on it, other people’s reactions to an Ace coming out.” He looked down at his papers, things he probably printed off the internet. “Pretty much everything I said to you. And… I didn’t realize it at the time, but some of the things I said to _you_ were what my friends and family said to _me_ when I told them I was gay. They were offensive and wrong to me just like the things I said to you. It isn’t a choice. It’s not that you haven’t had good sex or been with a good lover. You’re not sexually confused or repressed. It’s just you.”

Jared got it. Someone got it. Hope erupted in Jensen’s chest. His throat unlocked. He stepped forward and enveloped Jared in a hug. “Thank you, Jared.” Jensen held the embrace for a moment longer before he pulled away. “And, yes, I forgive you.”

Jared’s smile was watery but bright. “So you think you might wanna have dinner with me, maybe tomorrow?”

Jensen shook his head. Was Jared saying what he thought Jared was saying, that he wanted to continue their romantic relationship? It was almost too much to hope for. 

“It’s okay if you don’t.” the words left Jared’s mouth in a rush and a dull flush worked its way up from his throat to his cheeks. “We can be friends.” He consulted his notebook. “I saw on this Ace website that different Asexuals experience different attractions. We were boyfriends and I took that to mean you felt,” he looked at his notebook again, “‘romantic attraction’. Was I wrong?”

Jensen felt tears sting his eyes. Emotion welled up inside him at how Jared had taken such big steps to educate himself about Jensen’s orientation. He had gone to websites, talked to other Aces, and even _taken notes._ It was more than he ever expected. “No. No, you weren’t wrong. I am _very much_ romantically attracted to you.”

“I suppose if I hadn’t stormed out the night you told me you might have explained it better to me.”

Jensen nodded. 

“You seemed okay with cuddling. The website had a name for that, too: sensual attraction. You’re okay with non-sexual touching?” 

Jensen nodded again.

Jared did a little fist pump. “I’m on a roll!” Jensen laughed and it was the first good laugh he’d had in…well since he and Jared were together. “So? Dinner at my place tomorrow? We can talk some more?”

“That’d be great, Jared.” 

*

In the short time he and Jared had dated before, Jensen had never been to Jared’s place. He hadn’t thought anything of it at the time because for Jensen opening his home to Jared had been an act of intimacy. He hoped Jared understood that now, if not Jensen didn’t think it would be a big deal to explain it. That’s what this night was supposed to be about, educating Jared.

The door opened and Jared smiled, looking very handsome in slacks and a pale pink button down. His hair, full and shining, fell in waves around his face. “Hey, Jense. Come on in.”

Jensen stepped across the threshold and his ankle was attacked by a ball of fur, no, a kitten, enthusiastically batting at Jensen’s shoelaces.

“Oh, yeah. That’s Twilight Sparkle, and that shy little one is Butters.” 

Jensen looked to where Jared indicted and saw a kitten with blue eyes peeking around the back of the sofa. “I didn’t know you had cats.”

“The building doesn’t allow dogs, but cats are okay. Butters and Twilight are from the same litter. Their mom and littermates died. These two _almost died_. I nursed them, so I figured why not adopt them?” Jared gave a proud smile as Twilight rubbed against his calf. The little blond kitten had come out from behind the sofa but looked like it would bolt back to safety if Jensen moved an inch. 

Jared laid a hand on Jensen’s back as they moved into the apartment. “Make yourself at home. Dinner will be ready soon.”

“What are we having? It smells good.” Jensen dropped down onto the sofa and Twilight Sparkle— _Seriously, Jared, after a My Little Pony character?_ —climbed up and into Jensen’s lap, looking up at him with vibrant yellow eyes.

“Parmesan crusted chicken,” Jared said over his shoulder as he headed into the small but tidy kitchen. “You wan’a beer?”

“Sure.”

“Twilight likes you, but she likes everybody. Its Butters you have to win over.”

Jensen took the proffered bottle of Corona. “Dude, you named your cats after _My Little Pony_ and _South Park_? What the hell?”

Jared shrugged looking bashful and adorable before returning to the kitchen. Jensen petted Twilight’s fuzzy little head, her purr loud as an idling engine, and thought about how _right_ everything felt. How he felt like the part of him that had been missing was slotting back into place.

A few minutes later Jensen took a seat at the small round dining table across from Jared as he dished up a chicken breast and steamed vegetables. 

“I just wanna say again that I’m so sorry for the things I said.”

“I know, Jare. I already forgave you. Time to move past it.” He took Jared’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze as he held his gaze. 

Jared nodded. “What I feel for you I’ve _never_ felt for _anybody_ before. I want us to work. Tell me how I can make that happen. That Ace site said communication was key, so let’s communicate.” Jared had and open, eager expression on his face that fanned the cinders of hope In Jensen’s chest to a flame. “Some Aces on the message board also said they were “sex repulsed”. Is that you?”

Jensen shook his head. “No. Sex doesn’t repulse me. I’m indifferent to it, the desire for it isn’t there.” 

Jared cut into his chicken and took a bite, chewing carefully, thoughtful look on his face. Jensen dug into his own meal, waiting for Jared’s next question. When it didn’t come after he was halfway done with his chicken Jensen prompted him. “Anything else you want to know? You can ask me anything. I won’t get offended, upset, or think you’re stupid. You’re _trying_ , Jared, and no one has ever tried before.” 

“Can you…? Do you get hard?”

“I’m not impotent, Jared. I can get hard and do jerk off sometimes, but unlike someone who identifies as sexual their _libido_ drives them. For me, it’s a form of stress release or a sleep aid, and, no, it isn’t something I want you to be a part of, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care for you, okay? It's a personal thing—like taking a shower or going to the bathroom.” 

“That’s just…weird.” Jensen cocked his head to the side and gave Jared a hard look. “But if that’s how it is for you then that’s cool.” He flashed an awkward smile. “But, Jense…I’m not up for being celibate. And I’m not a cheater; so, having an open or poly relationship isn’t going to work for me. But I have needs and….” He trailed off, looked away, almost ashamed. 

They were getting to the heart of things now and they both knew it. Jensen didn’t want him to feel bad for desiring, or _needing_ , something Jensen didn’t. “Hey,” He took Jared’s hand, brushed his thumb across the knuckles. Jared raised his head, looking oddly timid. Jensen caught and held Jared’s gaze. “I can help you meet those needs.”

“But how? You don’t want sex.”

“Ever hear of something called compromise, Jared?” 

“I…the site said….” Jared looked like he was struggling to find the right words. “There was a lot of bickering between people on the message board about that.”

“Those people are not _me_. They are not part of _our_ relationship. I appreciate the lengths you’ve gone to to educate yourself and understand me, I really do—I _cannot_ stress that enough—but I decided what I will and won’t do, not some stranger on an Ace message board. _Me_. Okay?”

Jared’s throat worked as he swallowed, eyes bore into Jensen as though trying to detect a deception or uncertainty. “Okay.” 

*

“Dude, Hannibal’s a dickbag!” Jensen exclaimed as the credits rolled on yet another episode of their marathon. He and Jared were cuddled up on Jensen’s couch. Jensen’s back resting against Jared’s broad chest, his strong arms around him. 

“Well, he’s a serial killer that eats people. What did you expect, Jensen?” Jared’s voice was a low amused rumble. He tightened his arms around Jensen and pecked him on the cheek. 

Jensen sighed, his outrage at Hannibal Lecter abating. These past few weeks with Jared had been absolute bliss. He was happier than he had never been, than he ever thought _possible_. Jared was perfect, at least in Jensen’s eyes, even his imperfections, like his tendency to leave dirty clothes lying around or lights on in a room when he wasn’t in it, were all a part of what made Jared Jared, a man Jensen loved with an intensity that scared him.

Jared hadn’t mentioned sex but Jensen wasn’t ignorant of Jared’s needs. He wanted to make Jared feel good, be close to him. He turned so he was facing his boyfriend. Jared’s kaleidoscopic eyes, open and warm, drawing Jensen in. He leaned in and kissed Jared softly on the mouth. Jared’s hands slid down Jensen’s back, careful not to go below his waist. 

“Hey Jare?” Jensen whispered as he pulled back.

“Hmm?” 

“I’ve been thinking.”

“I’ll alert the media,” Jared drawled, a smirk tilting up one corner of his mouth.

“If you’re going to be a smartass I’ll just forget all about tending to those needs you said you had.” Jensen moved to sit up.

“I—wait, what?”

“You’ve been great about respecting and understanding me but just because I don’t want sex doesn’t mean you should have to go without. Remember what I said about compromise?”

“Well, yeah, but Jense….” His brows furrowed, worry creeping in.

Jensen pressed his index finger to Jared’s lips to silence him. “No. I love you, I want to be close to you, make you feel good.” His hands went to Jared’s crotch cupped the impressive bulge. 

Jared’s eyes fluttered and he moaned softly. “I…don’t….”

“Shhh.” Jensen popped the button and tugged the fly. “Relax.” He reached in Jared’s boxers, pulled out his cock, and started to stroke him to full hardness, watching the play of expressions on Jared’s face, the blush creeping into his cheeks. He was so gorgeous like this. Yes, this was more than fine for Jensen, filled his heart to overflowing that he could give this to Jared.

Abruptly, Jared sat up, batting Jensen’s hand away. “No, I can’t. You’re not into this and I feel like…. I feel like I’m _raping_ you, and the last thing I would ever want to do it hurt you.”

“Compromise, Jared,” Jensen scolded, pushing Jared back down onto the couch. “You’re not _forcing_ me to do this. Get that idea right out of your head. I’m doing it because I love you and I want to be close to you, make you feel good. Let me, please.” 

“I wanna make you feel good, too, baby, but….”

“Listen to me, the things that make you as a _sexual person_ feel good do not translate to me as an Ace. But this, being close to you, knowing that I’m giving you pleasure, is enough for me. If that can’t be enough for you then we need to rethink our relationship.”

“No, Jensen. I love you, maybe this isn’t the best time to say with my dick going soft in your hand but, I do, and I don’t want to give you up”. Jared’s eyes burned with fierce determination that made Jensen’s heart swell and cemented his belief that this relationship would last. 

“Then lay back, relax, let me pleasure you, and know that this is enough for me.”

**Author's Note:**

> For more information on Asexuality [THIS](http://www.asexuality.org/home/) is a good place to start. Comments and Kudos are appreciated.


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